You are so weak-willed and weak-minded. You wouldn't know a solid decision if it slapped you in the face. You're always second-guessing yourself, lashing out at people because YOU'RE insecure.

and you all just thought it was in my head. im sorry if i've ever put any of you in the position where you've felt obligated to feel sorry for me. i dont want your pity. i want to be happy. that's all. and i had initially hoped that venting my frustrations out on MY online journal might aid me in finding the internal happiness that i am willing to fucking die for right now. but its not helping. and as some are being offended by my threat to THEIR happiness i realize i must have been wrong all this time and i am being selfish and ignorant. Im sorry. I really am.

are you happy now, mike? lacey? and anyone else who fucking hates me and would like to see me die? because you got to me. you fucking got to me, all i need is a friend, and what i got was reprimanded for feeling the way that i feel. i hope that you are satisfied because then that would mean that at least one of us is getting something out of my current situation.thank you mike, you have confirmed everything i have been telling myself all along. i am worthless.....

songs that kill me with emotion

Glycerine-Bush
Silver and Cold/Days of the Phoneix-A.F.I.
Independance Day-Ani DiFranco
Love is A Battlefield-Pat Benetar
Gone With The Sin (orchestra version)-H.I.M.
Love Song-The Cure
Pardon Me-Incubus
Bohemium Rhapsody-Queen

and i shall die in one's arms while listlessly mumbling of your beauty which is not of this world.....i am alone

Why? Why fucking try so hard to stay clean. Clean of drugs, tobacco, alcohol, cutting, self-abuse. Why should anyone, ANY FUCKING ONE, attempt to stay clean; be good; "provide an example" for others of their generation to follow? There's no fucking reason. You be good, you keep your kissing and sex to yourself and your significant other, you politely decline the offered beverage at parties, you keepo the blade shut tight in that grey container and merely turn to look apprehensively at it whenever you're down. Why do I fucking try so hard? Why do I care so much? Why do I strive to get a real, solid, good answer from someone as to why they smoke? Why have I killed myself against all peer pressure and cravings for a vice to set an example if both of my little sisters are going out drinking, getting drunk, smoking, sneaking out, running away or peircing their lip behind their mother's back? Why have I fucking tried so hard to get my mother's attention with this godly fucking behavior if I'm still ignored, overlooked, often forgotten, and worthless? Everyone's interesting, everybody's somebody. Me? I'm just a fucking nobody who's not even "cool" enough to smoke or stumble drunkly around the world. I'M FUCKING NOBODY! WHY DO I CARE IF THE WHOLE WORLD TURNS TO A VICE AND I HAVE THE SELF-CONTROL AND INNER STRENGTH TO TURN THEM DOWN? BIG FUCKING DEAL!!! INNER FUCKING STRENGTH WILL GET ME NOWHERE IN LIFE. AND IT SURE AS HELL WON'T BRING HAPPINESS.Because Look at me. All my fucking life, I've stood up against peer pressure and the Everbody's-doing-it fad and am I happy? HELL NO! I'm a pathetic mess. I'm a piece of shit. Why am I holding out to be saved? Why do I care? Why am I crying? Why am I killing myself with all of this analyzing and unnecessary stress over BULLSHIT! Fuck it. Fuck God. I'm not preaching anymore, I'm not going to pay attention or fucking care about what my weak ass sisters do anymore. I DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT THE WORLD! FUCK ALL OF YOU AND YOUR BLISSFUL IGNORANCE, AND YOUR COOL ATTITUDES ABOUT FUCKING UP YOUR BODY! FUCK ALL OF YOU WITH YOUR FUCKING SANITY! I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND NOT A FUCKING ONE OF YOU WILL CARE!

signed fucking ashley, the biggest fucking insane loser you'll ever fucking meet...and the last